We hit 21 degrees Fahrenheit on January 5th, 2010, a temperature tying the record of 21 F set in Jacksonville, Florida back in 1884. I’m telling you, humanity just isn’t doing enough to keep this “global warming” thing up. Start burning some coal or something, would you? Brrrr…!
Category: Satire
NOW Can We Call it “Swine Flu?”
Pigs in Minnesota have reportedly tested positive for the H1N1 virus, previously called “swine flu.” Of course, to be strictly and politically correct, people have been told not to call it swine flu because mundanes might associate it with potentially tainted pork products. Ask THIS kid:
Penske Walks, GM Folds, Saturn Dies
My last two cars were Saturns, including the one I have now. It’s a 1998 SC-2 sports coupe with the loaded package: aluminum wheels, leather steering wheel, dual overhead cams. It doesn’t look like an eleven-year old car, thanks to state-of-the-art body panels that kept it looking great even after being hit and/or whacked on every side of the vehicle.
The last time I was at the dealer (following a friend and fellow Saturn owner for maintenance), the few remaining sales zombies shambled toward me hopefully. Sadly, the current fleet had nothing to offer me; my car’s paid off, looks and runs good, and gets close if not identical mileage to anything Saturn has. Plus, the new fleet lacked features that used to make Saturn stand out, such as the impact resistant body panels they stopped making five years ago.
With my own interior upgrades, there’s really nothing new they could offer, and the sales zombies shambled away. Soon they’ll be standing with the rest of the living dead at the unemployment office when not chasing down a job lead, and that’s just not how I ever thought Saturn, “a different kind of car company,” would go out.
On second thought, plastering a logo on a Pontiac Solstice and calling it the sportiest thing you have to offer wasn’t the smartest idea, either. Face it, GM… you treated Saturn and its customer base like red-headed step children and they all would have been better off without you. There! I feel better now.
JibJab: He’s Barack Obama…
Whether you voted for or against him, whether you love him or hate him, you can’t go a single day without hearing his name. But hey, what president couldn’t use a theme song and clever marketing video? Click the following link to see what on earth I’m talking about.
http://sendables.jibjab.com/originals/hes_barack_obama
Two Ends Against the Middle: The Game!
“Hey everybody! It’s time to play everyone’s favorite broken-family game, ‘Two Ends Against the Middle!’ Whether you’re a divorced mom, a divorced dad, or the kids being used as leverage, everyone can score points! Play in the car, on trips, and on weekends with the parent who only has partial custody! Leave the game or come back in at anytime, because it absolutely NEVER ends…!”
I’d forgotten about “the game” until I realized it was being actively played nearby at a restaurant table. At first glance, it’s just a mom with her two maybe eight-year old girls having a quick breakfast until I realized one was eating ice cream… at 9 am.
The “mom” then played an “itinerary card,” rattling off what she was willing to share about her next few days; this, of course, lulls the girls into sharing what “dad” will be doing (after all, mom did it first). The one with the ice cream could have been dad’s personal assistant with the info that spilled out. This info would be later used for “innuendo cards” against “dad” during their next face-to-face playoff (“Are you actually paying their babysitter now?”)
The girls had scored points of their own, one with the dessert and the other with bright pink Anime hair (on an eight-year old spending the day with “mom”? Figure the odds of “dad” letting her go out like that). Children learn quickly that their part is to hold the juicy stuff back for material gain and to collect “favor cards” which can then be played even on other siblings. Favor cards are usually only good for one visit, so it’s best to exchange those for material wealth such as toys, gadgets, restaurants or entertainment.
To start a game, all you need are a pair of recent divorcees (who probably could move on with their lives but can’t stop sniping at one another long enough to bother) and at least one child being raised by those parents smart enough to realize their worth as a weapon, a scout, and a prize to be won. While the game goes on forever, no one ever really wins, and many times the players simply forget that all they ever do anymore is play.
Ultimate Variation – When you’re in a competitive and smart group of siblings, you can pull in more players (spouses and distant relatives), especially if you play at Thanksgiving dinner every year. There’s just no limit to the layers of pointless complexity you can go to!
The Twitter Post (Updated)
If you’re actually still reading this after the title, you probably must think that, unless you know me already and fairly well, I’m about to tell you I’ve joined the ranks of Twitter. You would be wrong, however, because I’ve already BEEN on Twitter for some time, just not as “me.”
But I do follow quite a few people via that same identity, and although plenty of people make fun of the pointless banter which is the hallmark of any Internet communication that goes mainstream (95% of all email being spam, anyone?), the people I “follow” meet a certain criteria. If they break my rules, I switch ’em off, and feigning ignorance is not an excuse.
The Rules (thus far):
- Relevant thoughts and/or information only, please.
- Keep checklists of bodily functions (eating, sleeping, walking, purging) to yourself.
- I don’t care what you’re selling. Continue to spam my email as usual.
- I don’t need to see everything you TwitPic, especially when it’s another punchline to a “clever” tweet.
- If you think of anything else I may have missed, refer to Rule #1.
And to answer the question, “Why Twitter?” With an aggregator or service like Twitteriffic, I can quickly check in on a relative tweeting their way across the states to a new job, find out why a director had to move his shoot to another location, or hear about someone else’s experience with a new movie, DVD, or game. Creative minds (“scruffy,” for those in the know) need outlets for sharing (even if no one’s listening), and these are thoughts in real time. 140 characters of unique but limited expression, but “OMG, Tacos!” is probably not the penultimate use for it.
For every reason NOT to Twitter, check out this video:
For 100 reasons why you SHOULD Twitter, check out this article:
And the sequel to Twouble with Twitter:
Enjoy!
Happy 50% Off Chocolate Day!
It was yesterday, technically, but fortunately it is usually celebrated for a week or two after Easter each year.
The story goes that, the night after Easter, the Discount Weasel goes around to all the retail stores in the land with his magic price gun, marking all the sugary and chocolaty treats down for a quick sale (since the Easter Bunny was too snooty to pay full price and keep the economy going).
Isn’t that a nice story, boys and girls?
Kevin A. Ranson 